I’ve always been super independent and never really experienced much loneliness; I enjoy my own company. But then I had kids. Those first few weeks after my son was born were an extremely dark time.
We live far away from family and hadn’t been here long enough for me to make many friends, but I don’t think that made much of a difference, to be honest. I think I would have felt alone regardless of whether or not I had family and friends nearby. Having a baby can do that to you. It stripped away my confidence. I felt completely out of control and like I had ruined my life, my husband’s life, and our marriage.
Writing it about it helped a little, but the hardest thing was feeling like there was no one to understand. Everyone I knew, of course, had a perfect, easy time with their newborn children! Why else would they tell me to “treasure every precious moment” on the baby shower cards? It was just me. I was alone in my sadness, in my inability to breastfeed, in my absolute failure to find any precious moments to treasure.
This feeling did not last forever.
My amazing sister came to visit and I quit breastfeeding – both of which helped to clear the dark clouds and kill the loneliness. But it’s always there. Hovering just out of sight at the edges of my thoughts ready to overtake at a moment’s notice – when my second baby refused to eat, when both kids stop sleeping, when I have a fight with my husband… whenever I feel like I’m alone in my failure to figure it out.
Don’t Be Lonely Alone
The wonderful “Mummy Social” group in the UK aims to combat some of this. They run an app to help British mums find local friends and just launched the #letstalklonely campaign to encourage women to speak out about the loneliness they felt/feel so that other mums won’t feel so alone. This app isn’t available in the US yet (there are similar ones available here, including Peanut), but just following some of these mums on Instagram has helped me. Knowing that you aren’t alone during those rollercoaster first few weeks/months is crucial. It’s not about being physically with other people (though this can help, too). It’s about understanding that other people have thought the same crazy, irrational, sad things that you have thought.
Join the Conversation
Post a photo of yourself to Instagram (or use the campaign image) and use the hashtag #letstalklonely. Let’s keep talking!
