I’ve been thinking for months about this post. How to word it, how to face it. For months, I’ve been treading lightly around the idea that I know the reason I didn’t fit in in this community…. It was me. I was the reason.
In all fairness, when I moved to Idaho from Southern Virginia in 2011, I lived in Rexburg. As a non-LDS mom experiencing a little cultural shock, Rexburg was a bit of a difficult experience, to say the least. While I’ll focus mainly on my experiences in Idaho Falls, it’s important to note that Rexburg set the tone for my isolated years.
I spent years without any mom friends. Actually, without any female friends at all. In fact, I’ve generally gotten along better with guys. We can discuss football and other girls and normally, nobody ends up crying about it. I don’t do emotions… anyway, I digress.
The reason I was friendless for years is simple: I told myself I didn’t fit in. I wasn’t conservative enough for the LDS moms I had encountered and not quite wild enough for the party moms I’d met. I didn’t think there was an in-between. I’d never met a mom like that, so I felt alone. Turns out, there are many moms like that and many felt just like me.
I remember having a conversation with a friend in California and she told me to just put myself out there. That I had so much to offer to other people and that they would love me. She’s LDS and assured me that many women would embrace me for who I am and what I brought to the friendship table. I hung up the phone with a huge eye roll. She just didn’t get it. These women did NOT want to be my friends. I talked about sex and cursed like a sailor and drank around my kids at birthday parties. I had visible tattoos and sometimes left the house with no bra on. I was :::gasp::: offensive.
In February of 2017, I had a little bit of a meltdown. Although my life was everything I had ever dreamed, I was so SAD. I drove myself to a clinic and talked to a doctor who knew nothing about me, my life, or my struggles. She immediately prescribed some meds and sent me on my way. That was a major turning point for me. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely support medication for mental health 100%! I just felt like this complete stranger took 2 minutes and saw me crying and scribbled some medical jargon and walked away. As a bit of a hippie, I was hesitant to just start taking some pill and hope for the best. I made a decision that day: I needed friends.
I immediately decided I would pour myself into community service and maybe people would meet me and see me doing some good in the community and decide I was worth a shot at friendship. I know how pitiful that sounds now, but I was convinced it was the only way people would see my worth. I joined a local animal rescue group even though, admittedly, I’m not a huge animal lover. It was through that that I met the person who would become my biggest support and closest friend. Although she wasn’t a mom, she helped me feel NORMAL. Like it was ok for me to be different. It’s incredible the impact just ONE person can have in your life. I was invited to a craft night at my dad’s coworker’s wife’s after a chance meeting while out at dinner with my dad. I met a girl through a business I started (and almost immediately stopped) and we clicked instantly. Slowly, it was like the universe starting placing people in my life that were meant to be my friends.
Now, let’s not get it twisted. Your tribe of friends isn’t just sitting inside the Target Starbucks waiting for you to pull up a chair (though if that’s a thing, I need the 4-1-1 STAT).
I had to put myself out there in order to meet people.
I had to join my son’s PTO and go to the random book club I saw posted on Facebook.
I had to join the (sometimes drama-filled) mom groups on Facebook and I had to beg my few friends to please keep inviting me to things even when my crippling social anxiety kept forcing me to cancel last minute every time.
I had to stop convincing myself that I didn’t fit in and I had to just… well, fit in with the right people.
Mamas, I see you out there. I see you looking. I see you hiding. Feeling left out, feeling alone. Stop. There’s room for everyone at this party. This is your invitation to come sit at the mom’s table. Reach out. It’s time to start living ❤
Dedication: Julie, Anna, Stacy, Kassie, Deb… you are world changers.
Gigi, what an amazing article! Thank you for sharing! I have felt this same way! And the crazy thing is I’m LDS and from Eastern Idaho. I have tried to reach out and have had a hard time keeping friendships going. For awhile, I just gave up. I was tired of a one-sided relationship. Then I was brave again. I found friends who want friendship and girls nights. Honestly, I have been frustrated and blamed everyone since I was trying so hard. Friendship takes work and when you find a friend who will put effort into keeping your friendship, it’s golden.