“Sometimes during kid shows they ask questions and then pause and wait for a response. Well, Dora asked Vi her favorite part of the episode and Violet said, “Stinky funky booty butts.” And Dora then said she liked that too and Violet busted up laughing.”
This moment described in a Facebook status exemplifies the essence of my good friend Desiree Davis. Her appreciation for the small, hilarious moments of connection is what makes life good for her. I had the great privilege of leaning in and learning more details of her life and her heart. I am honored to share her with you. When I asked if she would be willing to be interviewed, I was surprised she said, “yes” and she wondered why I would ask. What would be fascinating about her that I would want to share? One of her biggest desires in life is to be invisible to the world. She doesn’t want attention drawn to her and has always been that way. She was the one in class all through college that hated being called on by the teacher.
Yet, I see a remarkable person that has strengths that can be shared. Strengths that will inspire all of us to have better relationships and more fulfilling lives. I have been a witness to her desire to help others as she teaches math to adults. I have seen how important her relationships with her sister, nephew, aunts, uncles, and her cousins. She is a genuine person who tells you what she thinks and honestly wants to help others.
Des, like all of us, is not without struggle. She describes that even as a child she was concerned with the inability to control the uncontrollable things in life. One of the things she could not control was getting migraine headaches. To combat this she developed a rigid routine of getting dressed in a certain order hoping it would prevent the migraines. In time she realized they were not controllable by anything she did or didn’t do. The migraines are an example of the uncomfortable truth that we all are unable to regulate so many things in the uncertain world in which we live.
When asked what makes her saddest, she explains it is the fact that she cannot protect the people she loves, and she cannot fix the world. If she allows herself, she can be overcome with anxiety for what could go wrong and who she could lose. I think if we all allowed ourselves to be still, we may feel a deep sense of dread about this very thing. We cannot control everything about life. We only have the moments right now and we do not know what will happen in the future. This fear can never be fully dissipated, but I think Des teaches us so much about how to handle this fear and to focus on what we can have an impact on in our lives.
Learning From Her Parents
One of Des’s earliest memories is sitting on her dad’s lap and him pointing to a mirror and saying- “Do you see that pretty girl.” That moment of connection means a lot to her. Growing up and today she sees many times her parents engaged with her through love. There were also moments of disconnection and struggle growing up as well as going through her parent’s divorce that created some difficulty. She sees parenting as a cycle. As a parent, she realizes that there are no instructions and that it feels like a puzzle that she is constantly trying to solve. Des empathetically acknowledges that her parents were in the same spot when she was young. There were times they acted in anger and sometimes that anger and frustration will creep into her parenting and that irritates her. Then she teaches us a beautiful lesson about life. Just like her parents and herself, we all make mistakes and then we try to improve. We refresh and turn the page and move on. Her goal is to do a little better than her parents and for her sweet daughters to do a little better than she did.
Des also clings onto the good. She learned from her parents’ strengths and then she passes them onto her girls. She describes her Mom as the most generous person you will ever meet. Her goal in life is to be a bright spot in other people’s days. She loves to celebrate life and to host parties. She loves to laugh and taught Des to live mischievously. Des, her sister, her Mom, and her Aunt Stella used to go shopping together when Des was a child. Sometimes Des’s Mom would have Des go under the stall in public restrooms and untie her aunt’s shoelaces! Think of the embarrassment though when Des started doing it to strangers. Des fondly remembers these fun-filled moments and appreciates the celebratory way her mom views life.
Likewise, Des appreciates the characteristics her father passes on to her. When Des’s parents divorced Des specifically remembers her Dad requesting to be able to spend as much time in his daughters’ lives as possible. His love and desire to connect with Des and her sister will always help Des feel loved and appreciated as a person. She describes a relationship with her Dad where she felt seen and heard as a person. He listens and holds conversations and respects Des and her differing opinions. He also taught her how to find beauty in the mundane. She describes that he could be driving down a road that he had driven on hundreds of times and still take a minute to be mesmerized by the clouds. He also taught her to always be productive as well as to always be learning by constantly feeding his inquisitive brain. Des revels in the relationships she has with her parents and works hard to use their example in her life and to strengthen the connection she feels with her parents.
Likewise, the connection she feels with her daughters is of utmost important to her. I have always seen Des as a very purposeful mother. Parenting to her is the most difficult challenge she has encountered as well as her greatest joy. I think we can all relate to this. With her daughter Violet she loves the funny innocent moments that make her laugh. Des has a playful nature. She loves looking through Violet’s eyes and seeing the magic and fun in the world. She loves to play, and she loves to pretend. Having kids especially a toddler, allows her to do these things without looking weird! She loves being a witness to the kind, thoughtful person her older daughter, Lydia, is becoming. She loves to see the depth emerging as Lydia grows older. Des is very wise in pointing out that Lydia has always been this cool person it is just the process of unlocking layers as Lydia develops more fully into who she has always been inside.
What a beautiful way to see our children- as people evolving deeper into who they have always been.
Parenting Through Uncertainty
Parenting is a scary endeavor- once again because of the uncertainty. Des says that seeing her children is truly watching her heart walk outside of her body and that they mean the world to her. She loves them so much which makes it harder knowing she doesn’t get to be in control of their happiness, health, or choices. This creates anxiety that she combats with living in the moment, appreciating right now, and by loving the little moments that build connection. Her goal in life is to be a safe place for them to come feel loved and to send them into the world with the confidence to be themselves. It is a beautiful view of motherhood.
Her Love Story
Part of motherhood is the partnership she has with her husband, Van. After many years together, they still consider each other best friends. She acknowledges how they complement each other even if sometimes they drive each other nuts. There is so much I could tell you about their story but I’m just going to tell you about the moment that started the story. Throughout Des’s life, her goal has been to be invisible. She is content to go through life without the world seeing her. The people she invites into her circle are the people willing to see her as a person. Fitting in is not the goal… Des finds the people that offer true belonging.
Van and Des had college English together and when they first attended an event at the same time- he said, “Oh, you are Anita!” She very proudly discovered that she had managed to remain invisible because he did not know her name. Several months later Des was sitting on the grass out of the way eating lunch. Van was walking on the sidewalk and he noticed her and then he left the sidewalk and came to talk to her. She wouldn’t have held a grudge if he didn’t see her, but it delights her that he did. Not only did he notice her- he went out of his way to come to talk to her. Through that conversation and further interactions, he was willing to not only see her and get to know her but to fall in love with her. Van loves Des. Des adores Van. He loves to spend time with her, loves how she looks- he simply loves everything about her. The cool thing is not just that he loves her- but that she knows how much he admires her. Find the people in your life that will notice you in your invisible moments. Find the people that will not let you be invisible in their lives. That is what Des has found in Van among many other things. By the way, Des can’t get enough of Van either. He is her absolute favorite person and she is so grateful she gets to spend her time and life with him.
The Power of A Thoughtful Teacher
There was another person in Des’s life that noticed her as well. It was a teacher at school that took a moment in a difficult time that forever impacted Des. As a child she experienced anxiety. In first grade, she experienced several deaths in her family. That same year for some reason the fire alarm at school would make her hysterical. She describes it as a traumatic ordeal every time.
One day her teacher Miss McGarry kept her in during recess. Her teacher took her aside and took a moment to tell her that there would be a fire drill later that day. She walked Des through everything that would happen and told her she would hold her hand during the fire drill. The teacher’s preparation and patience made it so Des could go through the fire drill without freaking out. The time Miss McGarry spent with Des empowered Des to be able to face fears. Miss McGarry gave her a few moments to show Des she had a right to be confident in her ability to react differently to a situation. Afterward she gave Des a teddy bear pin that Des still has. This simple story is a powerful example of how we can be there for other people. Miss McGarry took a moment to see Des. The fire drill wasn’t scary to the teacher, but she took the time to see how Des experienced fire drills and then prepared her. Miss McGarry then was right beside Des during the fire drill… she didn’t leave her alone in this moment of fear. Her empathy allowed to Des to conquer a fear and to know she could face other issues in a similar manner. Miss McGarry showed Des she could be confident in herself and that she was strong enough to face hard times head on.
This simple story is the epitome of who Des tries to be. She tries to take moments out of her life to see other people and to understand what they are experiencing. She knows she sees life through her own eyes and she knows everyone else views life through their eyes. Meaning she knows that people’s experiences shape who they are, how they behave, and what they believe. That all of us would be a little better if we know that people’s choices and feelings are derived from where they came and what they have gone through in life. That if we could openly share and empathize with each other then we create wholeness and truth. We need to take the time to allow other people to live their truth and we hold their hand through the difficult times. We help them see that they can problem solve and be empowered to face their fears. Her teacher did this for her as did her parents and her husband. Des does this for her children, Van, her friends, and her students. Besides embracing the moment- connecting with others and seeing them is key to dealing with the uncertainty of our world.
“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
~Brene Brown
I’ve tried to describe several relationships in which Des experiences Brene Brown’s definition of connection in her life. She strives for a reciprocal strengthening relationship with her parents, her husband, her children, and so many others. I believe that to create this connection you have to have a connection in the most important relationship ever. That relationship with YOURSELF. I have witnessed this within Des and feel like it is why she can create it with others.
“How did you find confidence in yourself?”
Her answer? She defined herself in college.
She grew up in Shelley, Idaho where she was not a member of the predominant religion. It was a small town where people knew everyone, and people defined you from small events early on and that stayed with you forever. As she graduated from high school, Des was not planning on going to college. She was going to travel Europe. She was atheist/agnostic and never planned on marriage or motherhood. She would have a successful career and travel. Her dad wouldn’t allow her to go to Europe and made her go to college. Since school was starting very soon and she didn’t have housing she was pressured into rushing for a sorority. She went through the whole process, was accepted by a couple of sororities and realized she could fake being anything. Yet she didn’t want to- she wanted to be herself.
She realized she had a blank slate where no one knew her and no one remembered she would freak out in first grade during fire drills because back home they hadn’t forgotten. She got to decide who she was and what she believed. That’s the first key to developing a connection with ourselves is to realize we have the power to define and create in ourselves who we want to be. Then we embrace it, we live it, and we love who we are- weaknesses and strengths.
The second key is that we realize we are dynamic and that we can change. Now Des is married and is a Mom. She has a college degree and has fulfilling employment. She also has developed faith in a higher power. I tell you this to show you that in the process of defining who she wanted to be she was open to change, development, and growth. She keeps improving on who she is today and knows she will evolve in a better version of herself as life continues. She lets go of regrets because she realizes she is striving to progress, and she knows her heart is to love and connect with others. The willingness to take responsibility for developing ourselves into who we are and the acceptance of weakness as well as change creates growth and creates the ability to have a connection with ourselves. This leads to the possibility to do two things that Des does beautifully. The first is it enables connection with others and build meaningful relationships. The second is when we are ok with who we are then we can be fully engaged in the moments of our lives and not constantly try to numb or escape.
When I asked Des to describe herself she said- “I’m generally pleasant.” I think of her as so much more. She lives a genuine life of finding simple things to keep her grounded in happiness and joy. The Dalai Lama said, “…There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly live.” Des is a master at loving and living in the moment. She acknowledges that life is hard and uncertain, but she combats the scariness with moments of connection with those she loves. She seeks out little buoyant moments of joy such as watching Dora with Vi that create a sense of peace. Stresses with finances, kids, work exist every day but so do moments of joy. Embrace them!
I love this article about Des! I was lucky enough to work with Des for a couple of years. Her smile literally lights up a room and makes my heart warm. I love her. Thank you.