Start the countdown. I need a solid 45 minutes for you to fall asleep. I can’t let you see me break down. Not because I don’t share my emotions with you because I often do. I actually think it’s really important for you to see a healthy range of emotions from your peers and role models. No, it isn’t because I don’t want you to see me cry… it’s because I’m afraid you’ll ask why I’m crying and I simply can’t tell you the truth…
“Mommy is crying because of you.”
Today, you carved your name into my bedroom wall with an Xacto knife. CARVED. While I love watching your handwriting develop, I don’t want it on any wall, let alone a wall in the sacred space that is my bedroom.
Today, you opened not one, but SEVEN Christmas presents that were wrapped under the tree. You lied and hid them and I am baffled that you thought you’d get away with it. What exactly was your plan?
Today, you poured half a bottle of lube that you got out of my nightstand drawer into my favorite diffuser. Fortunately, you told me the truth, so I knew what I was dealing with when it came time to frantically scrub it clean. It was our housewarming splurge and I have taken really great care of it for 4 years.
Today, you did everything in your power to torment your brother. From chasing him around the house to hitting him when he didn’t give you what you wanted, and finally mooning him in front of the house while taking the trash out. All day long, I did my best to keep the two of you separate just to try to keep my sanity together, but you still asked to play together. This only child will never understand sibling dynamics.
Today, you woke up at 5:30 am and stomped through the house until everyone else was awake, too. I value my sleep and mom so much better when I get more than a few hours, but you were ready to start your day and wanted everyone else up with you.
Today, you whined when I asked you to do your chores. You disrespected me. You lied. You hurt. You cried. You did all of the things I’ve worked so hard to teach you not to do. I understand, truly, I do, but it hurts to experience it and makes me feel like I’m failing.
I know some old wizened soul is thinking that I’m going to miss these days and that I should enjoy every second, but I did not enjoy today. Today was horrendous. I am allowed to love motherhood while not enjoying every moment. Not all memories will be good ones and I know this culture wants me to learn to dance in the rain and all that jazz, but today, I’m drowning in it.
