Honesty time: are you a people pleaser? Do you feel obligated to everyone and everything? Do you have a hard time saying no?
You’re definitely not alone.
I know I struggle with people-pleasing tendencies. I didn’t even realize it until I became a mom because suddenly the energy I had to offer other people, emotionally, mentally, and physically, shrunk to the size of the Grinch’s heart. I realized (after learning it the hard way) that saying yes to so many obligations often led me to burn out. It led me to resent people, especially loved ones, because “how dare they ask me to do something and then I end up drained!”. But, it turns out, that was actually my fault! Ouch. Not only that, but it often led to me pushing my children’s limits when they are tired, needy, or cranky.
It turns out, it is MY responsibility to know my limits, to set boundaries, and to say no.
Whew, that is MUCH easier said than done. But if you’re a people-pleaser like me, here are some tips that can help us:
1- Build awareness of your feelings and your limits. What feelings come up when you say yes to something that you don’t really want to do or have the energy for? What feelings come up when you say yes to something that you’re happy and excited to do? How do you feel when you start reaching your emotional/physical limits? At what point do you start feeling resentful when you overextend yourself?
Awareness of these feelings and listening to them is the first step. Journaling and tracking these feelings may help you see the patterns of people-pleasing that you’ve fallen into. A small thing that can help: If it isn’t a “HECK YES” it’s a “HECK NO”…or at least a “not this time”.
2- Practice honoring those feelings and setting boundaries! Start small. If your kids want a playdate, but you’re on your last nerve of the day, ask the other parents to host. The school asks you to volunteer for an event? Say no. Your husband wants to go out with his friends after you’ve spent a long, hard day with the kids? Explain how you’re feeling and come to a compromise. Your family asks if they can host the big family dinner at your house? Say yes, as long as everyone pitches in to cook and clean. It doesn’t always have to be a stern “NO”, but simply offering a compromise or alternative can be respectful of your limits.
3- If these things are difficult, it’s ok. Take a moment to ask yourself why. Is it fear of disappointing others? Do you feel like you need to do it all yourself? Are you scared others will think you’re difficult or mean? Do you believe that your feelings are bad or wrong? Do you feel like you just plain HAVE to say yes?
Don’t ignore these things. Keep digging to the root of these beliefs. Are these things that you want your children to believe about themselves? The answer to this question is a good indicator of whether it is healthy and helpful or if it is time to kick it to the curb.
The road to healing as a people-pleaser is not easy and is a life-long process. This is just the tip of the iceberg! Every small step is meaningful and worth celebrating, because while it is hard, it is one step closer to a happier, more joyful life. We all know that when us moms are more joyful, we bring that joy into our home and our children’s lives. That is worth the hard work of boundary setting!
