I am a positive person by choice. I choose to be happy because being negative or unhappy takes more energy.
Being a mom you hit all the emotions, it’s like the Price Is Right wheel – let’s spin that thing and see what happens.
Forgot to pack lunches, didn’t get poster board for the science project, still need to finish that costume, gave your toddler the blue cup instead of the green and our happy mood is washed away. These are simple things that in 24hrs no longer really matter.
Now, when things happen like a poor grade, as parents we see the big picture and know that has a lasting impact. For some kids this isn’t a big thing, for others, it can be quite traumatic, it depends on the child. As they get older they start making more and more decisions, some of these decisions we are aware of and some we are not. Sometimes it’s not even choices by our kids but by someone else’s child, like bullying.
At times the situation can have lasting effects, like drugs or alcohol, teen pregnancy, STDs, or even runaways. It’s not the situation I want to talk about, its how to remain positive in situations that seem sometimes hopeless, depressing and negative.
Recently, I have been conversing with parents who are in a difficult situation and talking about how they remain positive. Again this is not about the situation – this is about how they react and respond and especially how they are perceived by their children in handling a difficult time.
It’s okay to feel the way you do.
It is okay to not feel happy or even feeling a bit depressed, this is okay. Acknowledge those feelings, just don’t let them take over.
Depend on your support system.
Family or friends you can turn to when you just need a sounding board, someone who listens and offers suggestions if needed, offers words of encouragement. I myself have needed this in difficult times. Someone who just listens, and selfishly sometimes it’s someone else who is going thru a difficult situation and you realize you wouldn’t trade your situation with anyone. Back to the “there is always someone worse off than you” quote.
Find gratitude.
It can be hard to be grateful during difficult times, yet this is the ideal time to be grateful, why, you sleep better, your heart is healthier, you feel more confident and you feel happier. This helps brings you out of the depression.
They have free agency.
This is more a realization that at some point they will make their own choices, and it does not reflect on your parenting skills. Yes sometimes we can reflect that maybe there were some things to do differently, yet in the end, they still would have made that choice. We cannot make all the choices for them and they are responsible for the choices and the consequences.
Change the stories you are creating in your head.
When our children make poor choices we start running worst case scenarios in our head, or what else is going on, we have stories that are unlikely to happen yet we keep running them on an endless loop in our head. We have to stop that reel, change it out for a better scenario. We have to have faith in our children that they will make the best choices for them.
Finally, we have to remember that our children are in the here and now. No concerns past next week. Everything is instant, want it to happen now. As parents, we see the big picture we can see how some choices can change the future. We see in terms of college, work life, marriage, family. We see the long term. As parents, we have to recognize that we can offer guidance, suggestions, and support, yet our children no matter the age are individuals and capable of making choices, right or wrong, good or bad, we have taught them to make choices.
So Mom and Dad, sit down take a deep breath, remember you love them no matter what, lean on friends and family, have confidence in your parenting skills and that they will find their way back on the right path for them, this is their path, not yours.
