When I moved to Idaho, it was never the plan to stay for long. Four years and I was out of here. It’s funny how things happen when you make a plan. Eight years later and I have bought two houses, and I have three beautiful kids in my life. So, what brought about this life-altering change? Well, as you can imagine it all started because I met a guy. Freshly divorced it was another one of those unplanned events, but meeting my husband wasn’t the most life-altering part. It was meeting my future son.
You see, my husband was also freshly divorced and in his life was a curious little one year old. So many things went through my mind as I started the relationship, mainly was I ready for this? Sure, any relationship is scary but one that impacts the life of a 1-year-old is terrifying! However, being around the two of them I felt complete, and I knew there was no other decision that I could make. When I chose my husband, I also chose my bonus son.
But in the eyes of the world I will always be the step-mom, and what does that even mean? Are you a step beneath everyone else in the family? Are you the person who steps up when most people wouldn’t? Or are you automatically as evil as every movie and fairytale makes you out to be? Here are some of my answers to these questions, but let me start by saying it will never be easy!
The origin of the term step in stepparent originates from the latin word steop, which means “loss” or “orphanage”. So, essentially, a parent is a substitute for a child in the case of a lost parent. I think whoever came up with the term stepparent, must not have been one because more stepparents will tell you about how much the other parents play an active role in their lives. However, an argument can be made that in the case of divorce a child is going to suffer a loss. No matter how amicable the separation is, that child will now always be a part of a “broken home.” So from the definition of the name alone, it is the duty of the step parents to “attempt” to fill in that void. What it doesn’t mean is to “replace.” I think that is a key part in the stepparenting world to remember, no matter how good we are – we cannot replace. I understand that this is not an easy concept, and I myself have faltered at many times in remembering this distinction. So how does one fill a loss without crossing the line? Here are some things that we do in our home to help my bonus son fill at home and to try to not cross the line.
My bonus son, is my bonus son….not my stepchild
I’ve never quite liked the term of stepchild or stepparent. Even by the definition, it means that the child has experienced a loss, but especially in our case he has not suffered the loss of a parent. His parents both love him tremendously, but their relationship with each other was not good. So because of that, my son has 2 moms in his life. Not a loss but a bonus! Now that doesn’t automatically mean that our relationships as the adults are easy, far from it, but my son does have EXTRA people in his life that love him.
My son determines what to call me
I came into my bonus son’s life when he was just 1 year old. At that time, he called everyone “Mom”…including his Dad. I never once freaked out and corrected the statement, and as he got older he decided to continue to call me that. This is a situation that has, at times, created conflict and I don’t know if in the future he will decide to address me as something else, but I will let it be his decision. Regardless of what he decides to call me, it does not change my perspective of who he is. He is my bonus child and I will love him forever. Whether he calls me Mom or Mia, nothing in my role changes but it’s all a matter of making sure he is comfortable. I think as parents we have to support those decisions, let the child feel like they have some control in their life.
My husband and I make decisions for our house together
I don’t think that this applies to only “stepparent” life. But, if there is a decision that involves my bonus son, and it will impact our entire family then we need to decide that together. I think it would completely drive a wedge in any relationship to feel like your whole life is determined by someone else. I’ve heard of the term “nacho step-parenting” and while I know every situation is unique it breaks my heart. “Nacho” parenting means that since the child is not theirs, they will do nothing when it comes to the child. No planning activities, no decision making, no parenting at all. Call me crazy, but you knew there was a child involved when you got into the relationship. Regardless of whether that child is biologically yours, you made the decision to play a major role in their life.
We include the other home in our home
No, this does not mean we have lots of combined activities. I think that would be amazing if we could, but our relationships as adults are not there. What this means is that we don’t try and make him forget about his other home. We talk about his other mom, and we talk about his other siblings. When we do crafts or bake cakes, he also makes extra to bring to his other house. While it might be easier at times to pretend our situation is like a perfect family, the fact of the matter is, it’s not. Don’t try and hide from the truth, it just makes the child feel more like an outsider or that they can’t talk about half of their life.
I am far from a perfect regular mom, and I am also far from being a perfect stepmom. These little tips from our life, are just that. Remember that every situation is unique, but the family unit is not what we see depicted in the fairytales. I don’t try to be an evil stepparent, and my children aren’t plotting ways to escape me (at least not yet, but they are young so give them time). Being a mother is one of the most amazing things in my life, and I was just one of the more fortunate ones to experience the joys of motherhood before having them biologically myself. It’s a life I would choose over and over again if given the option.
