“Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are our most important work.” – Dr. John Trainer
It is my genuine belief that children deserve to experience safety and be free from abuse as they grow. Our job as adults who love and care about them is to protect, support, and assist them. In my last blog, I talked about the prevalence of childhood sexual abuse and how silence perpetuates abuse. There are many steps and ways that we can prevent abuse, more than I could share in one blog. Today, I will share three facts about sexual abuse with you, not in an atmosphere of fear but of knowledge. For each statistic, I will make suggestions of how to make our children safer. This is not comprehensive but is a good starting point for protecting our children. Many of these ideas come from the organization Darkness to Light.
Fact 1: Children almost always know their abusers. Ninety percent (90%) of children abused are abused by someone they know and trust (30% by a family member, 60% by someone who knows the family).
This can be a scary statistic and may make us want to be suspicious of those around us. We do not have to be afraid of everyone because there are steps we can take to provide safety for our children. Many times, perpetrators are skilled at manipulation and use a grooming process to gain trust prior to abusing a child. One of the things we can do is understand what grooming looks like and be able to recognize it. We also can gain information about the signs of abuse so if our children begin acting differently, we can carefully ask them about what is causing the changes.
Teaching children proper names for private parts is essential. Respecting and honoring boundaries, body autonomy, and consent facilitate children’s safety. This means we follow these rules based on your families’ values for everyone – no one gets exceptions. For example, when a child says no, we listen. It means we do not force hugs or any touching if a child expresses discomfort. I teach my kids about body safety rules and I also tell other adults within my circle that I openly, appropriately teach my kids about abuse. This helps make the topic approachable and normalized, and my openness alerts others that I am intentional around this topic with my kids.
Fact 2: Abuse usually happens when a child is alone with an adult. Eighty-one percent (81%) of abuse happens in one-on-one situations between children and perpetrators.
Because of this, we must try to eliminate one-on-one situations as much as possible. We recognize that individualized attention to kids is important and healthy. Some of these situations cannot be avoided. Therefore, if one-on-one situations must occur, we need to make them safer. We do this by making them observable and interruptible. This means having windows in closed doors or leaving doors open in places like schools or churches. It might mean I show up at my child’s daycare unannounced. If my child needs a ride with an adult by themselves, I can encourage my child to call me during the ride. There are ways to be creative so that we can occasionally be monitoring interactions between other adults and our children.
Fact 3: Children rarely lie about being abused. Only 4-8% of abuse reports are fabricated which means 92%-96% are truthful.
Disclosure means a child tells you about the abuse they are experiencing. Even with the best prevention efforts, children may still get abused. We need to be prepared if our own children or other children with whom we associate disclose abuse to us. Sometimes they test the waters by telling just a little part to see if you are willing to listen and believe them.
Our response to disclosure is extremely important as it can either further traumatize the child or it can be the beginning of healing. If a child discloses abuse to you, it means they trust you to help them. “I believe you” is the first thing that we need to say. Followed closely by “I will help you and I will support you.” You can then ask open-ended questions to get more information. You allow the child to talk as much as they need. As soon as possible (but not with the child), reporting to local authorities is mandatory. Proof is not needed to file a report; the authorities will investigate.
Our job is to believe the child, aid them through the process, and do all we can to protect them from further abuse. We cannot ever blame the child or scold them for not telling us sooner. Our response needs to be calm and reassuring. If a child feels heard and protected, they can begin the path to find healing.
