You know that dreaded feeling of getting an invitation to one of your kids’ classmate’s party? I know it all too well. It’s the only thing your kid will talk about for weeks. Between asking how many more days and what present you’re taking, and making you pretty please promise you’ll go, you’ll start to just completely dread this party.
Kids can so easily be thrown into a social setting sometimes. Shared interests are easy to find when you’re 6 years old… but what about the adults? What about the shy or socially awkward parents who also get thrown into the social setting of a birthday party? The feelings of being in a room full of strangers and being expected to socialize can range from a little bit uncomfortable to downright terrifying. I get it. Even as a social butterfly, never-met-a-stranger extrovert, I understand, but….
I’ve hosted more than one event with zero attendees and while I’ve been able to salvage them and still put a positive spin on it for my kids, I have been left feeling embarrassed, ashamed, lonely, and not enough.
You see, kids, unlike most adults, make friends quickly. For many kids, being in the same classroom daily is enough to qualify a peer as a friend. When it comes time to invite their “friends” to a birthday party, they’ll often invite the whole class. Step two, though, involves parental commitment. As a mom, I get the invitation and I have to fit it into my schedule, buy a gift, and commit to putting myself in a potentially awkward social situation so my kid can run and scream and get a sugar high, which will inevitably end in an insane sugar crash and tantrum at home later. Way too many times, I have bribed my kids to skip these parties. Candy and cake and park dates have easily convinced them that we’re just too busy or that something stands in the way making it just impossible, too bad, so sad.
After my last party hosting experience, I will never do that again.
This month, I hosted our youngest’s 1st birthday party. It was the day after we came home from vacation and I was so, so thrilled to invite friends to our home. I spent years feeling like an outsider in Idaho Falls and Rexburg and I’ve spent years building relationships with other moms in the area. I was so excited because this party would not be a flop like so many others we’ve hosted only to have one person show up.
If you’ve hosted one of these dud parties, you know the truth as well as I do: having one person show up to witness that nobody else values your relationship enough to come to your event is worse than nobody showing up.
So, knowing that people would absolutely come this time, I set myself to work on the most extra birthday party I’ve ever thrown. I’m talking a custom cookies, custom paper crafted decorations, custom playlist party. I reached out to some of my absolute favorite local businesses (The Sugar Cookie Queen, Pine & Party Co, and Heather Smith Cakery) to make this party rock! Emmett is our last baby and I set a New Year’s Resolution to host 4 events this year, so this party had to be lit (bahahahaha! I can’t believe I’m publicly saying that word!!)
After spending hours decorating and arranging and rearranging the food table which included kid snacks AND delicious adult snacks, candy, custom cookies, and pretzel rods, and specially purchased Lego decor, I was ready.
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It was only then that I realized I was throwing this party for…. me. Emmett did not care in the slightest.
Cue the dramatics. I started to panic. What kind of a mother throws a party to redeem her previous failures and to make herself feel worthy of friendship!? Worst of all, what if after all of this time, my “friends” still didn’t show up? I started to panic. My mind started spiraling down that well-worn path filled with familiar voices of shame and unworthiness. I just KNEW nobody would come and people would forget or just not care. I knew that I had managed to scare everyone off and would never be a person others wanted to be around… look, I know now how crazy and dramatic that sounds, but I won’t sugarcoat those nasty voices in my head. I hope at least some readers can relate…. Otherwise, I feel like I’m sharing my crazy with all of you and it’s terrifying to do so.
Fortunately for me, people came.
Many people. Not as many as said they would (and that’s A-okay!), but so many that we were spread throughout my home and the kids were running and screaming and playing just like they should at a proper kid birthday party. My friends laughed at how “extra” this party was and those who know me well just shook their head and giggled because I never go all out. Friends I didn’t expect came and friends of friends were invited and it was GLORIOUS. Although I had said no presents were expected, Emmett got a few new goodies and I reveled in the opportunity to share my home with friends, family, and new friends.
After the party slowed down and most of the guests left, a friend stayed behind to help clean up and chit chat while the kids played. At that point, I had held it in so long and finally let the tears come to my eyes as I told her how SEEN I felt for the first time in a while. She teared up as she hugged me and reminded me how valuable I am. That I’m a great friend and this was a great party and she was SO glad they decided to come. I told her about our failed parties in the past and how they made me feel invisible and unvalued. I told her I often felt so different than everyone in this community and spent years feeling like I’d never belong. I’m not interested in “fitting in” but I do crave belonging. After a few tear filled breaths, we continued bagging up gummy bears and chips and never mentioned it again.
Mamas, I see you.
I see you pouring yourself into parties that make you uncomfortable for your kids’ sake. I see you investing money into your kids’ memories.
I am grateful your kid counts mine as a friend. I am happy to become your friend. Invite me to that party because I WILL go. I will sing the loudest and bring an overly decorated gift. I will help you clean up if you’ll allow it and I will help you remember that we are ALL in this together. We are all moms and we are all seen and valued even if most moms aren’t as sappy and dramatic as I am ❤
Beautiful decor custom-made locally by Pine & Party Co. Shop her Etsy shop here.
Adorable and incredibly delicious cake made by The Cakery. Follow her on IG @heatmsmit_cakery.
Well goodness. Thank you so much for sending me the extra message to see if I could come, otherwise I would have totally wussed out of it!!! I had a great time, my kids had an even better time, and I was so happy that we came. You throw a fantabulous party!!! xx
People don’t RSVP anymore?
I loved this! We all need connection and acceptance so badly. This area has been so difficult for me to find my niche in. I’ve lived in many other areas and I never felt as closed off and unaccepted as I have here! It takes a lot of vulnerability to realize what needs we have that aren’t being met. I’m glad your friend was able to emphasize your worth!
Thank you for sharing. I can relate to this so much. It’s really hard for me to open up my house because I worry that people won’t show up. About a month ago I decided face my fear and take a turn hosting a playgroup. One person came. Although, it was set up just a day or so in advance the others forgot about it. Until you’ve been on the receiving end of that, you don’t know how hurtful that is. I felt like my time and energy I invested in those friendships really didn’t matter to them.