Dear Lonely Mom,
First off, you’re not alone. I am also a Lonely Mom. Motherhood brought me the best blessings in my life, but it also came with the deepest sense of isolation. Do you know what I mean?
Your childless friends are still there and in your mind…but it’s different now. They probably won’t understand the demands of motherhood and the new dynamics in your life. You might have other moms in your life, but something might come in the way. Perhaps parenting choices or differences in personality wiggle their way in, and keep a barely blossoming friendship from ever blooming. You feel like the odd one out at the playgroups. Maybe you’ve been too scared to hang out with other moms altogether. It just seems too hard. But so is the loneliness.
Here’s the thing…we are a generation that is the first to mother with the dynamic of social media.
Don’t get me wrong, there are so many good things the internet brings to us. Mom groups can be a saving grace when you’re a Lonely Mom. Sometimes the perfect relatable post can make you feel just a little less alone. Online articles curated just for mothers help us find just the right information we need at that moment (hey, kinda like this blog?). We all have our online mom friends. It can be a powerful tool to build community.
But, not only have we had to figure out parenting (which is challenging on its own), we’ve also had to figure it out with an influence that no generation before us faced. And it is hard. It really is.
There are probably many other contributing factors to our loneliness, but I think that the majority are not our fault. It wasn’t our fault we were born in the generation to pioneer parenting in the world of social media. It wasn’t our fault that we weren’t created to thrive on so little face to face interaction. It’s not our fault we crave more than our long distance online friends’ occasional chats can give us. It is hard, Lonely Mom, and it isn’t your fault.
But there is hope, because you can try, even with awkward baby steps.
Use social media to find other Lonely Moms.
Somewhere out there are other Lonely Moms, and they are closer than you think. Start with messaging someone. Maybe it’s an old friend from high school that has a kid about your kid’s age or someone from a local mom group. Chances are they may be a Lonely Mom. And if they are a Lonely Mom, they will be happy to see your message.
Put the phone away and look around you.
Ok, I know that sounds like something a snarky Grandma would say, but I say it with the best of intentions. Next time you take your kids to the park, keep your eye out for a mom that isn’t in a group. Be brave and say hi. One perk of motherhood…kids are a great conversation starter.
Try new things.
Bring your kids to a new park. Go to the Library storytime. Pursue a kid-free hobby or join an exercise class. Be involved in your community. Experience different groups and different people. You might just find your tribe…or create your own.
Be the person you need.
If you felt excluded in the past, be the includer. If you felt judged in the past, be the acceptor. How does that quote go? “Be the change you wish to see in the world” (Ghandi).
Is it going to be perfect and suddenly you’ll have tons of friends and never be lonely? Probably not. Pursuing loneliness (it’s a real word now) can come unnaturally and be uncomfortable. It might just be too hard sometimes. Some seasons you’ll have lots of friends, others you may only have one, or none.
But, Lonely Mom, just remember that in this moment, there are at least two of us, me and you. In this moment, it’s not so lonely.
Sincerely,
Mary
