My husband and I recently celebrated our five-year anniversary. Like every year before, we forgot until the day of. We wished each other “Happy Anniversary” over the zonked-out body of our toddler who crawled into our bed at some point the night before. We had no plans so we went about our day, with a few extra kisses and hugs sprinkled in and promises to ditch the kids and go on a date soon. To be honest, I don’t think we’ve gone out on that date yet, but we have watched the entirety of Shameless together and I think that has to count for something.
Five years is really nothing in the grand scheme of time, and I am definitely not here to dole out marriage advice with my meager experience (except this: GO TO THERAPY, together and individually if you can) but I marvel at how much our marriage and ourselves have evolved in the short five years we’ve had together.
At this point, our marriage is a collage of dirty jokes, eye rolls, hundreds of TV episodes, wrangling babies, making ends meet, fighting for alone time, sometimes just general fighting, and a whole lot of “hey! did you watch that TikTok I sent you”. We laugh a lot and annoy each other even more. We are the definition of opposites attracting and often wonder how we ended up together.
We have changed so much individually that I sometimes wonder if we hadn’t grown and made these changes together, would we even end up together today. I’m just really glad we met when we did.
Together we have welcomed two baby girls and gone through the growing pains that come with that. We have listened to and supported each other through our various traumas and emotional baggage. Encouraged each other through individual and couples therapy. Navigated numerous health and mental health crises. Held hands as the other grieved (and continues to grieve) the loss of valued loved ones.
My husband has supported me as I have deconstructed and ultimately left the faith we had planned to raise our children in. I have repeatedly pushed him out of his comfort zone (sometimes he even appreciates it after). We have nearly bailed on the whole thing and worked to put things back together. We set boundaries and continue to put so much work and effort into each other.
As ever-changing as we are individually, our relationship has managed to morph with us.
I think there’s a natural ebb and flow to our relationship and probably most others. As one of us experiences personal growth or personal crisis, the other struggles to adjust to a new normal, maybe even playing catch up or just being glue enough to hold everything together. There is a sticky, uncomfortable, and sometimes tense spot for a bit as the relationship rises to meet the partnership in its new place and as we rise to meet each other’s needs in a new way. Then things settle for a moment only for the other partner to grow or go through struggles and we are back readjusting to the new fit
We were never naive enough to think that marriage was going to be easy, but it definitely kicked our butts pretty brutally. Sometimes I get nervous because if it’s been this chaotic so far, I’m sure what’s to come will be crazier. Anyway, I can’t say for sure that I knew or even know what the point of this blurb is, except to say relationships can be a downright chore sometimes. If you are feeling like you are really in the thick of it, and every other partnership you see seems to be ideal, just know you are not alone; even seemingly perfect pairings are trudging through their own struggles with you! There is beauty in putting in the work and also beauty in knowing your limits and knowing when to stop. Either way, chances are, you’re likely going to come out of the muck so much better off!
