I can no longer handle bedtime with the two monsters who claim to be my children. Anyone else? My kids are 4 and 2. Bedtime has never been easy, but lately it has become an absolute nightmare. The kids share a room, because right now that’s the only option in our small house. (We have a plan for the future that will give them a room each, but this involves basement renovations that are not going to happen quickly based on our available time and cash.)
We start the terrible process at around 8pm with teeth-brushing and a story or three. Then both kids get into bed. I switch on the nightlight and switch off the main light, “do” their blankets (a process in itself that involves sound effects), and sing a song or three. Then I kiss-hug-squeeze-stroke-tickle-raspberry each of them and the 2yo’s doll and attempt to leave. Sometimes I can leave successfully, other times (most of the time) I have to refill waters, re-do blankets (cue sound effects), put the 2yo back into bed x 100, sing another song, find a lost binky, and slowly kill myself. I then put my own pajamas on and go and collapse in the living room. It’s probably at least 9pm by now. The kids’ bedroom door handle has a child lock on it, but the 4yo defeated that years ago, so we are now treated with them coming out. We put them back. They come out again. We put them back. My husband refuses to go back with them each time, but I usually get suckered into going back and at LEAST re-doing the whole blanket charade. They come out again. We yell at them to go back.
At this point, the crying usually starts. Sometimes they cry, too.
By 10pm the 2yo is probably asleep, but the 4yo isn’t done. Maybe he needs to go potty, maybe he drank all of his water, maybe he lost his nightlight, maybe he’s worried that Mummy isn’t in bed yet because she’s tired and needs to sleep (NO FREAKIN’ KIDDING, CHILD), maybe he just wants to say hello. Finally, we go to bed. Sometimes we can still hear him in there.
Plotting.
Eventually everyone falls asleep just in time for the 2yo to wake up around midnight and decide that survival is only possible if she can sleep in Mummy and Daddy’s bed. And in order to prevent her from waking up the other one, we usually let her.
My husband and I were together for 14 years before we had kids. An evening alone feels like a lifetime ago. Has anyone actually died from putting their kids to bed? I might be the first.
