To my younger self, and to all motherless children:
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that you are going through this and for what you’ve already been through. Losing your mom at any age is hard, but losing her while you’re young is extremely difficult. It’s life changing, heartbreaking, and Earth-shattering to have your mom pass away. Life, as you’ve known it, isn’t the same, and it might feel like your world has been turned upside-down.
Your mom made you feel safe, she held you when you cried, and she made everything better. Now she’s not there when you get home from school or when you get scared in the night. She can’t kiss your owies better or snuggle with you. She can’t hold you and read you a story or play a game with you. You can’t call her to tell her about acing your test or how mean some kids at school were.
I know you miss her. You miss her in a way you can’t explain and sometimes you miss her so much that it’s hard to get through the day. I know that certain days like Mother’s Day are extra hard. Sadness comes when you’re least expecting it and sometimes it’s all-consuming. It’s hard to watch other kid’s lives be normal while yours isn’t. I know your pain and I know how deep it runs. I know that grieving and healing are things you’ll do over a lifetime. I know that you are so loved though you might at times feel alone, so very alone. I know it feels like no one understands how you feel. It’s true, no one knows exactly how you feel because no one has been in your exact shoes with your thoughts and feelings. Some of us do understand most of what you’re feeling and we’re here to encourage you, love you, and walk this path with you. 
I was just 2 ½ when my mom passed away, too little to remember her but I know she loved me. I know your mom loved you, that she loves you still. I know it doesn’t seem fair that some people get to keep their mothers here on Earth while we have to have ours a little farther away. We might be told that our mothers are never far from us (and I believe that to be true), but it feels like they are so far away when we are in need of them. I want you to know that none of this is your fault or because of anything you did, life is just hard and unfair sometimes.
After my mom died, I was afraid I would lose my dad too. I had lots of nightmares. I was afraid of cancer and of being sick because that’s what made my mom die. I was scared and didn’t understand why she wasn’t coming home anymore. We need to talk about those feelings. I hope you have someone who you trust and can talk to. It also helps to talk, learn, and write about our moms. Every one of us deals with loss in our own way and I hope you are allowed to deal with it in your own time and way. There is no wrong way to miss your mom. It’s ok to sleep with one of her shirts or blankets if you want to. Whatever brings you comfort and happiness is ok.
Since I was so young when my mom passed away, I have no memories of her. It’s hard to miss someone so much and not have memories of them to ease the pain. It’s also hard to miss them because of the memories you have with them. You might not remember her smell, laugh, face, or voice. You also might remember how soft her hands were, how her eyes twinkled when she smiled, or how safe she made you feel.
I hope that those around you will fill your mind with memories and tell you all about your mother. I hope you will be surrounded by people who love, are there for you, and take good care of you. I hope they tell you how amazing your mom was, how amazing you are, and how much she loved you because she did. She does. I know our moms miss us. They want us to be happy and enjoy life to the fullest. One step, one moment, one day at a time, life will keep moving forward and so will you. One day you’ll remember more of the happy times with your mom than the deep heartache you might have now. Keep going. You are her legacy, her greatest blessing, and gift to Earth. She lives through you. Your mom loves you, she is cheering you on, she is proud of you, and she wants the very best for you. Always and forever.
To those who take care of these sweet children:
Love them. Hug them so tight. Allow them to grieve in whatever way they need. This is really difficult for a child to understand. Losing their mother affects every aspect of their lives. Maybe it was your daughter, wife, ex-wife or even a friend. Maybe you’re trying to process all of this trauma too. I’m sorry. Please allow this experience to bring you closer. You can grieve together. It’s a lifelong process.
I know you might have a hard time going on without your loved one, but let her child/children (or your child/children) motivate you to keep moving forward. How you handle this situation will affect them for the rest of their lives as it has turned their world upside down. There is no perfect way to go through this process but giving up, pushing away loved ones, and staying angry will not help any of you.
Find the support you need and reach out for help whenever you need it so you can be an anchor in this storm of life for these children. It might hurt when you look into her child’s face or hear her name but don’t run away from it. Walk through the pain, do what you can and then get up and do it again. Allow there to be pictures of this amazing mom in their home. Sometimes her child might cling to a random item of hers and that’s ok. Don’t get rid of all of the mom’s things, her child will love to have them down the road, especially anything she wrote. Be available for them to talk to, any time day or night. Have everyone who knew her write down memories for her children. Those memories will be treasures for her kids.
Try not to shame them for whatever ways they use to cope or discipline them when they’re acting out in pain and anger. This child’s whole world just crumbled and they don’t know how to deal with it. They have the right to be angry, sad, hurt, and frustrated. Try your best to not compare their pain to anything or anyone else, just surround them with love. Watch for odd behavior and ask about nightmares. Their little brains are trying to process all of this but it can be scary.
Check in with them as often as possible and talk with them every day. Make sure someone will always be there for mother/daughter or son events, graduations, and all other special days. Know that holidays will be so hard, especially Mother’s Day, their birthday, and their mom’s birthday. Make stability a priority but know they don’t need to go back to school for a while if they don’t want to. School can wait. Life can wait.
They might miss a favorite song she sang or the way she tucked them in. Start new traditions but keep the old. Help them to find ways to include their mom into traditions and holidays and be able to celebrate her. Help the child to feel safe and secure. Have them draw or write out their feelings and keep them talking, don’t just expect them to be resilient and move on. Some gifts might help like a locket or keychain with their mom’s picture in it or a new cuddly blanket in her favorite color. Perhaps a small plant or pet could ease the loneliness too. A photo album with every picture you can find of her will help, especially if there are some of them together.
Let them wear their mom’s shirt or dress, sleep in her bed and read her journal. Comfort them, hold them, love them. They have a lifetime ahead of missing her.
