Little Tears and Heavy Expectations

I’m sure some of you know that all too familiar moment when you sit in the rocking chair holding your baby and tears just start coming—all of those emotions we carry day to day and month to month pouring out.

As mothers, we hold in a lot. We are expected to not only take care of our husband and children but also all of the small details along the way. We are everyone’s “go-to” person. Some of us, including myself, run businesses on the side of our full-time jobs, and as women, we are the natural go-to when something at work goes awry as well. I, especially, have always thrived on that rush of stress, and while that rush often depletes my being, it also renews my purpose, and I feel like I am always searching for more. 

We expect so much of ourselves as mothers and independent women yet we also expect OTHERS to also expect that of us. I am often offended when someone tells me that I have WAY too much on my plate for them to feel like they can talk to me or ask anything extra of me at work. However, as much as I want to always take on more, I am reminded that I am first and foremost a mother. A mom. The Matriarch. My family’s stone foundation. The egg in the hamburger. I keep my family together and keep the house functioning (though sometimes just barely). 

Expectations cost us a lot. They cost us career moves and raise increases, time with friends, and our mental and physical well-being. What’s more, they cost us some once-in-a-lifetime friendships and opportunities. 

Over the weekend, I had the amazing opportunity to attend SOLAR CON, a 3-day training experience to learn more about the solar industry and the green options there are to fuel our homes and planet. Because I was just gone for work the weekend before, I could not bear the thought of letting my kids not be with me for the second weekend in a row. So, with me, all 4 of them went.

While at this conference, the immense amount of expectations—not only of myself but what I subconsciously felt from my teammates—was astonishing and heavy. Truly, I don’t think anyone else at work realizes how heavy the expectations of a working mom can be. I wanted nothing more than to sit in this conference, session after session, and listen to speaker after speaker, and just absorb every word and piece of advice on how to excel in my career and reach the next milestone. At the same time, I feel expected (and needed!) to stay home with my children and build them up to be the best humans we can.

I want to be at these trainings for work. I want to be there to learn, not just to bother my husband (who is the owner of the company) or just to say that I went. Growing professionally is so embedded in who I am and what my head longs for. My heart also aches to be a mother and to just be present for this fleeting time in life. I am learning to juggle the yearning for growth and the need to just stand still and be.