Before I became a single mom, I knew that life was going to get tough. I don’t think I was quite prepared for just how tough things would get, though. I could complain about lots of things that I believe are unjust, but really my life now is in a much better place than it was a year ago.
What I worry most about now is my children’s overall mental health. While I have tried hard to not let my emotions show to them, that hasn’t always been easy. It was a struggle to get the pieces of our life picked up and to start fresh but we managed to do it. However, the scars have lingered.
This last year, I have gotten angry and frustrated with my kids sometimes which has made me feel like a bad mom. If I want to go out for a night, I feel guilty for leaving my kids. The mom guilt is real and I live with it as a constant companion.
The other night my son asked me if he could ever do anything that would make me not love him. As an example, he mentioned breaking his brother’s toy. I told him nothing, and I mean NOTHING, could ever make me not love him. Talk about adding more mom guilt to the pile.
Divorce is hard on kids. First, there is the upheaval of having their family split up. For my kids, their dad then moved 8 hours away. They were able to talk to him on the phone, but they are young and don’t really like to talk long on the phone. These calls have started to become more and more infrequent for them.
Secondly, we had to move. It wasn’t feasible to continue to live in our family home. This was upsetting for both my kids. I tried to make the process of house hunting fun and let them have a decision in picking our new house, but it doesn’t really make up for having to lose the old house.
My oldest son, who is 7, has become angry and moody with me. I try talking to him about his feelings, about his dad, his friends, anything that might be upsetting him but he usually shuts down on me. I’ve put him in counseling, which he hates. I’m at a loss as to what I should do and it’s a scary and lonely place to be when you’re the only person around for your kids.
My youngest, who is 4, has begun to act out and is beginning to become out of control. He screams, throws tantrums, and basically behaves like any little boy. However, disciplining him takes all my willpower and energy because he is stubborn!
The thing is that this is uncharted territory for me. It’s not the place the I ever dreamed I’d be in, but I’m here and I’m trying to make the best of it. I know that any misstep I make has the potential of having my kids being angry at me for a long time. I know this because I was the same way when my parent got a divorce.
I want my kids to know that this parenting gig isn’t always easy, but that no matter what all my decisions were made with the knowledge that I did what I thought was best.
