We’ve all seen the memes. The ones that appear when kids start going back to school. The ones with moms pleading with other moms to teach their children to be inclusive. To say hi to the new kid. To sit by children who are alone.
These messages are great. Please keep sharing them. But I want to add something to the conversation.
Moms, please don’t forget to include other moms.
My family is moving to a new city literally the day before school starts. This is our sixth move in less than seven years. We’ve lived in five different states during those seven years. This isn’t even the first time we moved right before school starts.
I’m not worried about my children – at least not much. We’ve been nomads their whole lives. This will be the fourth school my older kids attend. They are accustomed to being the new kids. Other kids have always been very friendly. (Seriously, as a mother of a child on the autism spectrum I have been very impressed by how well other children have reached out to my son. Good job parents!)
But what about me? How long will it be before I have friends in our new city?
It’s hard to be the new mom. New schools have unfamiliar layouts and policies. I don’t know where the bus stop is or how the drop off/pick up lane works. I don’t know what you are talking about when you discuss Pumpkin Day or the Art Program. Do I show my ID when I enter the building? Is it okay if I come eat lunch with my kids sometimes? How do I volunteer in my child’s classroom?
And the questions extend beyond the school. I need to find restaurants and stores and doctor’s offices. Google can only help me so much. I need friends to give recommendations.
And most important, I need people I can talk to about life. We don’t have to be BFFs or even BFs. I just need people I can talk with and feel some sort of connection.
I know I’ll be fine – eventually. I’ve done this before so I know the connections and friendships will come. But I’ve never forgotten how lonely I felt after my first interstate move. I was over 1,000 miles from home, my husband was often away at Army training, I was a stay at home mom to three toddlers, and I was pregnant with a fourth baby. Other than a sister who lived 3 hours away and a college acquaintance who was in the same town, I knew no one.
Friendships gradually came, but I never forgot that intense feeling of loneliness. I vowed that I would always try to reach out to new people. It’s a promise I’ve tried to keep over the years and over many moves. As soon as I feel comfortable in a new place, I start reaching out to people who are new and lonely. I’ve also benefited from the efforts that other women made to befriend me. Those early interactions were like lifelines.
Here are some suggestions for how to reach out to the new lady you see at school, at church, or in your neighborhood. These are based on my experiences of being befriended and of reaching out to new women. You don’t have to do all of these suggestions. Even doing just one of these things will help someone feel welcome!
Don’t be afraid to reach out to her. I know what you are thinking, “I’m not cool enough to talk to her. She doesn’t want to be friends with me.” or “I’m shy myself, who am I to reach out?” But guess what? Being cool and being outgoing have nothing to do with how much the new mom will appreciate a friendly conversation. I know it sounds cliche, but reaching out to someone who is new or alone actually makes you cool and outgoing to her.
Talk to her! Just a simple, “Hi, are you new?” will start the conversation. Even if she’s not new, you can talk about why you haven’t seen her before. Maybe she had a baby, has been working full time, or has been under toddler naptime house arrest.
Learn her name. When I was in Alabama, there was another mom who always greeted me by name when we volunteered at school activities. Our friendship never progressed beyond that, but I appreciated that she knew who I was.
Get her phone number. And then text or call to let her know that you are willing to hangout/help with kids/answer questions/etc.
Invite her to things. This one is so important. There is POWER in saying to someone, “Would you want to attend _____ with me?” or “This event is happening. I’d love it if you could come.” I can guarantee that even if they can’t attend the activity your new friend will feel more included just by being invited.
Friend her on Facebook. And then see if she wants to be added to any local groups or pages. Often that really helpful community group is set to secret and is invisible to new people.
Bring her something. If there is a new lady in your neighborhood, take her a plate of cookies or some other welcoming gift. It doesn’t matter what it is – any positive contact with new neighbors is always appreciated. When we were new in Texas some local ladies brought over a small gift bag with a few items in it. I didn’t care about what was in the bag, but I definitely cared that the bag meant someone knew I was there.
Allow her to be herself. Don’t stop interacting just because you realize you don’t have much in common. Remember everyone you talk to doesn’t have to end up being your new best friend. Polite interactions are better than no interactions.
Help them meet other people. You don’t have to be everything to this new lady. Help her meet your friends who have similar aged children, similar interests, or live nearby.
Give her space to be awkward/shy/standoffish. Nowadays, I’ll open right up for someone who talks to me. but I used to seem more shy. I worried about coming on too strong to a potential new friend. Sometimes I still have trouble with anxiety that tells me that I’m too much for some people. I appreciated the new friends who allowed me to say no to things when I didn’t feel comfortable yet. So please, keep reaching out and saying hi to those women who don’t immediately reciprocate your friendship. They may be waiting to see how sincere you are.
Has reaching out to new people been perfect or effortless every time? No, I’m often awkward instead of poised. I’m usually scared as I walk up to a stranger’s house with cookies. My texts have sometimes gone unanswered. People have often politely declined my invitations. And, unfortunately, I occasionally talk myself out of reaching out to someone new. But I’m trying. Even my feeble, awkward attempts are helping other women feel less alone. I often say, I can’t be everyone’s best friend, but I can be their first friend.
Please talk to your children about including new kids and then take the next step and show your child how to do it by including other moms.
I’d love to hear your stories of including others or being included. Leave a comment with your experience.
This is awesome and I can’t believe it’s the first time I’m reading it. I have an 18-month-old and as outgoing as I can be, I’m totally intimated by meeting other moms, but really want to. I don’t think moms of kids even just a few months older than mine know how cool they are just by being a little more experienced. I get so excited if one strikes up a conversation with me! I hope I can do that for other moms and model it for my daughter!