Self-esteem and body image are difficult at any age. As I approach my mid-thirties, though, I am learning and growing at a rate previously unimaginable. I truly feel like I am maturing and learning to love previously “unlovable” parts of myself.
In this “Learning to Love” series, I am excited to explore the parts of me that have felt ugly or less than and, in some cases, foreign, in hopes that maybe you, the reader, will find some reasons to love them in yourself.
I am so grateful for our sponsors who stand firmly behind empowering women and self-love. Without them, this platform and community wouldn’t be possible.
It was almost exactly a year ago that I received concerning lab results from my primary care physician. At that time, I was at the height of my mental health improvement. I had been regularly taking my anti-depressant for over a year and was attending regular therapy sessions. I was proud of the growth I had achieved and looked forward to further improvement. When my Doctor called about my concerning lab results, I struggled to reconcile my physical inconsistencies while I felt healthier than ever mentally.
The first step necessary in order to improve my health was weight loss. Quick weight loss to be exact. My doctor recommended at least a 20-pound loss in order to hopefully lower some results to ensure better health. I had learned to LOVE my body and really liked what I saw in the mirror, so finding the motivation to lose weight was difficult. Unfortunately, my physical image has always been my primary motivation for weight loss. I had only ever tried to lose weight if I no longer liked the way I looked. Sound familiar? For the first time in my life, though, I was completely in love with the way my body looked, so hearing that it wasn’t functioning at its best requiring at least a 20 pound weight loss was jarring.
Fast forward to 2022 and 30lbs lost. I was healthier than I had ever been since beginning my motherhood journey and was approaching a healthy weight. Although I don’t exactly know what defines a weight as “healthy,” I do know that I was feeling a lot better than I had been.
My biggest issue? I didn’t love the way my body looked.
Where I had previously had chubby rolls and a big booty, I now had sagging skin and wrinkles. The beautiful DD-cups I’d flaunted were now deflated, rolled-up D-cups filling a bra by sheer default. I remember I used to tell myself I would take the sexy boudoir pictures when I lost 20 pounds, when I got a tan, when my hair was longer. Somehow, my sexiness was contingent on some superficial trait I found valuable or perceived as valuable based on my media consumption.
When thinking about this series and the many things I wanted to write about and share with my community, I knew I wanted to broach the topic of sexuality in motherhood. For years, the team and I have had conversations about sex, sexuality, sensuality, and relationships. We have always felt that we needed more open conversations regarding the shame and guilt attached to sexuality as women. For years, we have been afraid of alienating our following by discussing such seemingly taboo topics, but that ends today.
Today, I am proud to say I am a woman and mother and a sexual being. Today, I am owning my sexuality and saying loud and proud that I love my body and am a sexy woman and mother.
For the past few years, I have been honored to model for a few different boudoir photographers. I am grateful I have represented myself as a woman comfortable in her skin enough for others to reach out for this type of session. I have loved seeing other women’s reactions to my beautiful pictures and have loved the conversations we’ve had about their own desires and fears to have their own stunning images captured. Finally, I feel comfortable sharing some images as well as my boudoir shoot experience. I loved working with Michelle at Zola Michelle Photography and especially love how strongly she feels about making women feel beautiful in their own skin.
For my session, I packed 4 outfits and my best friend, Heather, and headed to Michelle’s in-home studio. I was nervous as crap because, while I love being photographed, I am not naturally photogenic and never know what to do to pose in a flattering way. I’ll confess that I’m a professional selfie-er and can adequately frame myself when I can see what I’m working with, but removing the ability to adjust my face/hands/body visually makes me an awkward mess. Michelle was great about communicating the positions I should be in and helped me accommodate my own ideas and held my hand (sometimes literally) through the discomfort. The experience was empowering and I left there feeling sexy and strong and fierce and alllll the things I didn’t expect to feel after showing my saggy, baggy, lined body to a stranger.
After my session, Heather mentioned she also wanted to book a session but was nervous. She also has her personal reasons for being self-conscious about boudoir photography. Through our conversation, I realized I had fulfilled all of the “contingencies” I had placed on my worthiness of a boudoir shoot. I had lost the weight, had a tan, had my makeup done professionally, had my teeth whitened and STILL, I felt uncomfortable in my skin. Even with all the boxes crossed, I STILL didn’t love my body going in. I STILL didn’t feel sexy in my lingerie, but you know what? I felt like a dangerous woman (as Ariana Grande would say) by the time I was done. When I got my images, I LOVED the woman I saw. In those pictures, I am a stunning gift of a woman. You should all be grateful you get to see me regularly.
I am stunningly attractive and I am excited to see how I can continue to love my body at every stage!
You can find Zola Michelle Photography at www.zolamichellephoto.com, on Instagram, and on Facebook.
