I’m an extroverted introvert.. well, maybe an introverted extrovert… or.. well, I don’t know. Basically, I’m generally really great at being around people and being a social butterfly, but it also causes me tons of internal anxiety and makes me feel completely drained. I could speak in front of thousands and I’ve never met a stranger, but there are two specific situations that turn me into a blubbering fool. Only two.
During either one of those, I get shaky and find myself thinking about my behaviors and word choices for years after. “Why did I say that?” or “What was I thinking?” often play on an endless loop after these seemingly insignificant social exchanges….. Airplane small talk and Dutch Bros customer service…. While neither of these is a bad thing and, in fact, I think DB has some of the best, most friendly employees around, I. Just. Can’t.
Maybe some of you can relate. You get on an airplane and then the panic sets in. Not because you’re afraid to fly. Not because you don’t understand the mechanics of aerodynamics and you’re worried your metal tube will hurdle down into some small Midwest town. No, that part is easy to overcome. It’s the terror of knowing a well-meaning stranger will inevitably sit near you and ask where you’re headed and why and where you’re from and what you do and what size your shoe size is and how often you get a mammogram. Okay, okay, exaggerating, I get it, but WOW, does it feel intimate or what!? In those situations, I either completely overshare (“I actually haven’t gotten one yet, but probably should because :::insert comprehensive family medical history here:::”) OR I go full-on mean girl and look at said person like he or she has sprouted six new heads and smile tersely. I don’t mean to do it. I think it’s my defense mechanism. I just don’t understand why a complete stranger who is sharing (not enough) personal space with me also invades my mental privacy. Honestly, I’m a nice, approachable person, just not on an airplane.
Or… at Dutch Brothers.
This morning, I told myself I could do it. I texted a friend to ask what that delicious pink drink was that I tried at her house last week and I made myself leave the Java drive-through (don’t worry, Java, I still went back to you later!) to head to Dutch Bros. I told myself it would be fine. I could survive this. My palms were sweating and I had an audio book on (Girl, Wash Your Face) to pump me up. I was ready!
….. Friends…. I wasn’t ready.
I know the guy meant well. I know it says it somewhere in his job description that he should make each customer feel SEEN and many, MANY people love that! Me? I just turn into an awkward, anxious, blubbering mess and spout nonsense.
Today, when asked what I was out doing this morning, I replied, “Absolutely nothing.” NOTHING! WHAT!?!? I had just dropped off two kids at school after feeding them and dressing them and helping them groom themselves. I had a conversation with my son about dealing with hurt feelings and mean kids in the most positive way he could. I dropped them off and made them repeat their affirmations as they hopped out of the car. “I AM KIND. I AM SMART. I AM VALUABLE.” I made a difficult budget-breaking decision to make a stop for a delicious treat to prep for my busy day writing and editing and emailing and planning and doing all of the things that keep this amazing resource (Idaho Falls Moms Blog) going.
After that drink, my day was going to consist of working between caring for an active 1-year old until I picked up the half-day Kindergartner and then working again while caring for two active kiddos until I picked up another at 2pm. Following that, we were headed to a doctor appointment to hopefully get some answers for a worrisome situation with one of my kidlets; an appointment I have feared is coming for many years and am a mess about. None of that mattered. In that moment of possible connection, all I could think to say was that I was doing “absolutely nothing.” WHY!?!? Why did I reduce all of my great accomplishments this morning and the rest of the day to absolutely nothing. This was my chance to connect with another human being. Maybe let him know that this coffee was my special treat for a hard day. Maybe share with him that I could use an extra pat on the back for what may be a hard day. Maybe thank him for asking me about myself when very few others do…. But no. I said “Absolutely nothing.” PERIOD.
Why am I like this!?
So…that’s my awkward rant about my social inadequacies in those two VERY specific situations. I love meeting new people. I lean into vulnerability. I value connection and authenticity and connection… apparently just not while I’m trying to fly to a destination or, alternatively, when my destination has caffeine.
P.S. No shade is intended at Dutch Bros! Y’all are awesome and contribute positively to our community! I just prefer my caffeine from the at-home or subtle barista variety ?
