When We Shouldn’t Celebrate Mother’s Day

Oscar nominated Lady Bird’s mother and daughter dynamic was a bit too real for me.  Watching as the main character of the movie would soon rather jump out of a moving car than have to deal with her mother portrayed the exact relationship I have with my own mother.  

Whenever Mother’s Day rolls around, I often sit with a gut of regret, resentment, and guilt because I don’t want to celebrate a mother who emotionally abused and tormented me my whole life.  While others might disagree, a day America forces us to acknowledge and celebrate our mothers is a day that is a ridiculous tradition that needs to end.  

I do not like my mother.  Saying this out loud in a mixed crowd creates a lot of judgment from outsiders.  I somehow come across as that spoiled, bratty teenager, like Lady Bird, who is constantly is in angst with her own mother.  But they don’t know what it was like to be fed toilet paper because I was getting “too chunky.” They don’t know what it was like to be introduced to friends as the mistake of our family.  They don’t know what it was like to be that little child, always ridiculed by her weight, lack of talent, and academic performance. If they lived one day during my teenage years, they would understand that I am not just a petty little girl who wears the cliché of hating her mother.  

Somehow, the idea that she is my mother means that I must respect her, call her once a week, and love her unconditionally.  As a counselor, I absolutely disagree with this notion; a mother should earn her title. Just because they are family doesn’t mean that they deserve to be treated like family.  I didn’t choose her. And definitely never would chose her in a million years if I had another chance. Just because she gave birth to me, does not mean that she deserves to be called a mother.  

Fight after petty fight with my mother in my teens years set the stage for a rocky relationship that hit a peak in my 20s and has still left me wounded to this day.  I have been waiting for a lifetime of approval and acceptance from a mother incapable of doing so because she hasn’t had the mindset to work on her own issues. Psychologists often suggest that mothers who attack and hurt their daughters are doing so because they haven’t healed from their own past issues.  My mother has also had a rough life, with many challenges, but it also does not give her an excuse to take it out on me.  

Sitting and watching a fellow colleague on lunch dates with her teenage daughter, sharing inside jokes and personal, intimate details of each other’s lives, I often wonder what that would have felt like in my own life.  Instead of avoiding my mother, I could have greatly benefitted from having her as a confidant, and a friend in such a tumultuous time of my high school years. My self-esteem, attitude, and confidence was hanging on by a thread because I didn’t have a mother like that in my life. 

My mother knows exactly how to pour acid on a wound. She knows exactly which words to say to make it singe, like no one else.  I have been with my husband for 17 years and his words have never hurt as much as my mom’s. He often looks at me incredulously and wonders why I am so sensitive to her words and why I react so much more to her.  He will never understand the true dynamic of a mother and daughter.  

So here I am, a 33-year-old woman still yearning for a mother figure in my life. If anyone wants to adopt me, I enjoy board games and sappy love stories.  I am a good listener, a sensitive soul, and will be your friend. I want a mother who supports me, gives me advice and wisdom, and who loves me unconditionally, not based on my grades and waist line.  I feel like I deserve as much. And so do the rest of the world the who struggles with the same issues I have when Mother’s Day comes around.