Many women are all too familiar with the crippling pain of infertility. My husband and I experienced this disappointment, depression, and heartbreak as well. We had a couple of unsuccessful procedures where the only result was a depleting bank account. Without changing much (aside from taking a break from fertility treatments), we were shocked to find out I had finally become pregnant after two years.
That’s where I lose people.
Let me explain:: while experiencing infertility, it is satisfying to find a lifeline – someone who has gone through the same pain. Any kind of pregnancy announcement is nothing short of a stab to the heart. Hearing an announcement of a fellow friend who has experienced infertility can spark a lot of emotions. Of course, you want to be happy for them, but why hasn’t it happened for you yet? Especially if it happened naturally without the help of a fertility clinic…
When I got pregnant, there was a significant amount of friends that I soon lost touch with. After all, two years of infertility can seem like only a minute in comparison to the time other couples have fought through.
On the other hand, I had friends who were so genuinely happy for me even though they hadn’t become parents yet. The tricky part is that I had no trouble getting pregnant with my second baby. I feel like a hypocrite in many ways (even though my fertility is something I have no control over).
Can I even claim to be affected by infertility if I became quickly pregnant with my second?
I have almost had an identity crisis of sorts. At one point in my life, I didn’t know if I had any chance whatsoever of getting pregnant, and at another point I believed that my oldest would be my only child.
One of the blessings of infertility is the connection you make with other women who are experiencing the same thing as you. Within that community, my voice was heard and I felt belonging. During this second pregnancy, I feel that I have lost that. Who are my people? Where is my tribe?
A great lesson I have learned over the past years is that someone’s gain is not my loss. It was natural for me to have initial feelings of jealousy whenever a friend became pregnant. I still get that jealous twinge when I see an announcement even though I’ve already become a mama. But those feelings need to be pushed aside since no one benefits from them.
Embracing others’ “wins” and supporting them will not hurt you. It is much more precious to foster friendships than to let them dwindle out of envy or selfishness. I greatly appreciate the people in my life who have stayed close to me and my husband through our roller coaster journey even if they haven’t had success with fertility thus far. Although infertility is the worst, I was able to see a lot of good come from it when I opened my eyes. Gaining empathy and learning to celebrate others’ “wins” with them has improved my quality of life tenfold.
Want to read more on this topic? I’m Adoptive Mom
