I kicked him out of bed.
I yelled at him to go sleep on the couch.
Not because I had a good reason to – I didn’t like how he got up to take care of our daughter. That’s right, I was nitpicking at his helpfulness. So I kicked him out of bed.
The rage was real and uncontrollable, it just spilled out of me in an immature waterfall of destruction. I don’t know why I was so angry. I couldn’t find a good reason. Even as I write this I am mad at him.
I have flown off the handle a lot lately. I got home from work one night and didn’t like how he had let our daughter run around with her shirt off. It made me so mad. All these horrific thoughts of how he is a lazy husband and father filled my head. I thought I was just falling out of love with my husband (although I know I still love him even when I want to strangle him), but it was like this inner demon had taken over me. The 9-month demon.
I didn’t know that a common symptom of pregnancy is rage. That the hormones you produce while growing a little human can make you not only cry at the drop of a hat but also rage over nothing.
I didn’t know I wasn’t alone. Another pregnant woman confided in me that each time she has been pregnant, she would suddenly just hate her husband. She would go to bed early some nights to try and sleep off her rage so her poor innocent husband wouldn’t be the victim of yet another fit. She described feeling she had married the wrong man and should leave him.
I relate to it all.
With my first pregnancy, I remember being grumpy and thinking those horrible things about my husband. I wasn’t as bad as I am now but, oh man, I had a melt down over a peach. I remember how quickly those feelings disappeared after our little girl was born. I remember how perfect I thought my husband was. I loved him so much.
I now sit here pregnant with our second and really hope these negative emotions go away as soon as he makes his entrance. I have to chant to myself that the anger isn’t real, I am just pregnant. I am not really mad, it’s the hormones that are mad. I have to talk myself down a lot. Sometimes it works, other times I am growling at my husband for breathing too heavy.
I feel bad for my poor husband. He tries so hard to not set me off. He cleans, cooks, cares for our daughter, and is practically perfect. He is so wonderful and I love him dearly. I am also constantly wondering if this will be the last straw – if he will finally realize how impossible I am to live with and leave me. I am a mess of, “I hate you but love you, so don’t leave.” I am constantly asking for forgiveness only to need it again five minutes later. I am currently 33 weeks along and on the home stretch, I hope we can make it.*
If you are a Pregnant Monster like me, do something nice for your husband tonight. I can’t guarantee it will prevent the hatred from rearing its ugly head but at least he will know you are trying. If your husband can relate to mine, maybe they need to start a support group of some kind.
To the wonderful husbands out there fighting to maintain sanity with your Pregnant Monster – we are sending you good vibes and support.
If you are a Pregnant Monster, please comment with your angry stories! Maybe a little humor will cool our jets!
To learn more about pregnancy anger and how to manage it to prevent health conditions, visit: https://thriveglobal.com/stories/anger-during-pregnancy-effects-how-to-control-it/.
*Editor’s note: Since writing this blog post, Kayla has given birth to an incredible little boy!
