I always wanted a big family. Being an only child, I knew that I wanted to grow up and have at least two kids. My husband and I were blessed with two boys and one girl, which we couldn’t be more thankful for. After our daughter was born, we decided that we would be done having babies, no matter how cute they were. Three kids was plenty for this mama. Little did I know what was in store…
This baby story might surprise some of you, might make some of you upset. But, it’s my story and the emotions I went through while preparing for Baby #4 were real.
This baby was a surprise, while the rest of my babies were planned.
I had never been more surprised in my life than when I saw those two pink lines. At that moment, I was so overwhelmed that I cried my eyes out. I was confused and my tears were from sadness. I was 38 years old and had a five year plan that didn’t include a new baby.
Full disclosure, I was on birth control. We were done having kids. So imagine my shock to see the pregnancy test say positive. I was in denial of course, so I took three more tests. All came out positive of course. I immediately made an appointment with my OB to confirm the pregnancy. I was an emotional wreck. How could I be pregnant again while I was on birth control? I mean, you hear the statistics of using the pill but you never really think that you’ll be in the 1% to get pregnant while on contraceptives.
The pregnancy was confirmed by my doctor and the estimated time of conception was around the week of March 15th. While chatting with him, I shared that in that same week my husband and I bought our new home. Also, that my grandmother, whom I loved dearly and was extremely close to, had passed away. As it turns out, my grief, stress and sadness caused my hormones to get off balance, causing my birth control to stop working correctly with my body. My mind was blown. It might sound naïve but I hadn’t realized that could happen.
My feelings and emotions were all over the place during this pregnancy.
I think for most of the pregnancy I was in denial that I was having another baby. On one hand, I was sort of devastated that I was pregnant again. The delivery of my daughter did not go so well and I was traumatized by that experience. So, to go through it again was giving me such anxiety and fear. On the other hand, I was convinced my grandma had something to do with my surprise baby, which comforted me. I felt such guilt for being sad about being pregnant.
Many women struggle with infertility issues and here I was, mourning the future plans I had made because I was having another baby. I felt selfish. I felt guilty. I felt like a bad mother. Mostly, I just felt lost. In many ways I just floated through the pregnancy, never really accepting that I was having a baby. It wasn’t until I felt the baby move for the first time that I really started to grasp that I was growing another life in me.
I think it’s important to share the ups and downs of my emotions because they were real, they were raw and women go through a range of emotions during pregnancy.
Being pregnant at 38 was hard for me. Hard for me mentally, emotionally and especially physically. I am so thankful for my closest friends and family that made the experience bearable for me. They let me vent without judgment, only understanding and love. Sometimes it’s hard for women to be pregnant, not everyone gets the glow. Sometimes it takes women a little longer to find their happiness on a new baby, and that’s ok. There’s no rule book that says you HAVE to feel a certain way about having a baby.
On November 27th, 2023, we welcomed our new baby girl, Rory.
I felt every bit of love that I felt with my other kids as I did the first time I held her in my arms. She was perfect. I bawled my eyes out again: this time it was from pure love and happiness and probably sheer exhaustion. Rory has completed our family in ways I never thought possible, she is the cutest little caboose. While I am so much more tired while taking care of her than I ever was with my other three children, every bit of it is worth it. Her older brothers and big sister absolutely love and adore her.
Now that I am older, I take more time to enjoy the things that sometimes get overlooked when you’re a younger mother. In many ways, I’ve now had the best of both worlds, I’ve had the opportunity to enjoy my children at different stages in my life. I didn’t know that my heart and soul needed another baby, but as soon as Rory was born, everything became worth it.
To the pregnant mamas out there, this is YOUR experience and no one else. It’s ok to be in your feelings, it’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to be happy, it’s ok to take one day at a time. Maybe everything won’t fall into place the way my story did, but somewhere along the way it will all make sense.
