A few months ago, I felt worse than I ever had in my life. I was so tired I didn’t have the energy to play with my kids. Anxiety would hit me every morning around 4 am, forcing me out of bed and into a gym. I ate salads and exercised for hours every day to try to stop the unexplainable weight gain.
I thought I was just going crazy. I thought that this was just motherhood. I thought that moms were just tired zombies that sacrificed everything for their kids until they were a shell of their former selves.
I was so anxious but I didn’t want to be seen as incapable of taking care of my kids. I didn’t want to be seen as a bad mom. I didn’t want my family to think that I was broken.
So I put off seeing a doctor. I didn’t acknowledge that I desperately needed to. After all, Mothers are Martyrs, right?
When I finally went in, it took a lot of fighting for tests and advocating for my health. My first doctor prescribed anti-depressants and they didn’t do me any good. The second practitioner also believed I was just depressed and overeating and I had to be assertive to get the test run I needed. It took so much work and was so exhausting but finally, I got answers. I have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome).
I am not crazy. It was not motherhood like my first doctor said. It wasn’t depression. It was my hormones. I had been betrayed by my hormones and not motherhood. I wasn’t a bad mom.
If you are struggling, drowning in exhaustion, then make the appointment. Go see your doctor and get help. Motherhood shouldn’t be so hard. You are not a bad mom if you need medication to survive every day. Motherhood is not the cure. You cannot continue filling your children’s cups if yours is running on empty.
If you need medicine to help you get through the day, take it. If you need a monthly massage, get one. If you need a weekly getaway, make it happen. You deserve to feel good and confident. You deserve to be happy in motherhood. You deserve to have the energy to play with your kids and your spouse.
Fight for yourself. Fight for yourself so your kids know they should fight for themselves. Fight for yourself and end the cycle of martyrdom in motherhood. Don’t settle for how you feel now when you can feel so much better. End the cycle.
