Living With Pain :: My Journey to Finding Happiness

Two years ago, I fell off an extension ladder and a series of unfortunate events happened that has changed my ability to maintain a normal life.  A dislocation that broke the structure of my knee, a broken tailbone, a torn Achilles, and a broken ankle, a mountain of medical bills and depression has been slowly burying me and changing me into someone I don’t like. When you are in pain, you can’t be yourself. You can’t go to the parties you went to before. You can’t get off the couch and play with your kids the way you used to. You can’t even get the energy to be nice sometimes.

Over the course of two years, I have had two surgeries, spent 12 weeks on crutches, 16 weeks in physical therapy, and have had numerous appointments with specialists all to tell me that I’m just going to live with it.  I have severe arthritis and an unstable knee that continues to hyperextend and dislocate regularly. This has ridden me with pain on a daily basis that has severely immobilized me and continues to prevent me from doing things I want.

I have had several friends of mine tell me that I’m not the same as I once was.  I used to be Mrs. Social Butterfly. My social calendar was full with so many playdates, game nights, birthday parties, and other events that I sometimes couldn’t keep up.  I once had a Thanksgiving of 4 dinners because I wanted to share that holiday with everyone I loved. I have now become the friend who is that person everyone asks where I am and when is the last time anyone’s seen me.  I have been essentially booted out of my own book club because I stopped going. And what happens when you stop seeing your friends? They move on. Without you.

I am definitely not the same person I was prior to this accident.  I am a born extrovert and spending quality time with friends is what fills my cup.  But when pain struck and left me exhausted and foggy headed, even when I spend time with friends, I can’t totally be myself.  I can’t be the fun, loud, wild one I used to be because I hurt. I remember that girl I used to be before these injuries. I remember the friendships I used to have.  I remember the parties I used to be invited to.

I am not here today to get sympathy.  

I understand that there are so many people that have it so much worse than I do.  But those who also suffer from pain can hopefully find some release and comfort knowing that you are not alone.  According to the CDC, there are about 50 million Americans living with chronic pain. Knowing that does not actually give me comfort, but instead makes me realize that we need to come together and find ways to find our own moments of happiness.

So what have I done to help come out of the fog that pain has left me?  

Most importantly, I have been focusing on goals. I have always been a goal oriented person, but now that my goals have become more and more difficult, I hold onto them and plan and prepare.  I have had a goal to hike the state of Oregon on the Pacific Crest Trail for several years now. A tear in my Achilles prevented me from finishing this 480-mile expedition in one summer like I had hoped, which meant shifting my goal and extending it out to a more realistic goal.  Don’t ever be afraid to change the timeline of a goal. Even though I was disappointed I couldn’t finish it, I have allowed myself to complete this hike over the course of 3 summers instead of my original goal of one. I have 150 miles left and will hopefully be able to finish this upcoming summer. And that’s ok. Focusing on goals like these has allowed me to get excited, stay focused, and continue to train my body.  

Next, don’t live your life taking painkillers, prescription and non-prescription.  For most of the time, they don’t work because the pain is too severe, and secondly, they are not good for you.  They are not good for your organs, especially your liver. You will also develop a tolerance for them and will need more and more to get the same effect as minimal amounts did in the past.  After my Achilles injury, I was taking up to 12 ibuprofen a day just to be able to not crawl out of my skin. When I realized how much I was taking, I had a very important wake-up call and realized that I needed something else to help cure my pain.  I am a naturalist, mostly because of the percentage of my relatives that have had, or have died from, cancer, including my father. Instead of chemical painkillers, I have turned to natural remedies. I take a ridiculous amount of collagen, chondroitin, glucosamine, SAM-e, boswellia serrate, capsaicin, turmeric, and cod liver oil every day to help repair my damage.  Whether it is an actual effect or a placebo, I feel better when I consistently take my vitamins. I at least have more energy and a clearer head when I do. And when someone else recommends a natural vitamin or supplement, I will always, always, always try it. Because who knows? It might actually help. So, be open to other’s treatments, especially natural ones.

Lastly, don’t ridicule yourself.  It’s ok to decline events. It’s ok to spend the weekend on the couch.  It’s ok to come home from a long, hard day and crawl into bed with an ice pack.  Find things that can distract yourself from the pain whether it is a Netflix marathon, a good book, or a long card game with your family.  While your hobbies might physically change, you can still find new hobbies that make you feel happy. I used to never watch tv. But now I do and I like it.  

So I am not the same bubbly, excited person I was.  Life has changed me to become more reserved, more homebound, and more grounded. I have seen friendships fall away and dissolve.  But the ones who have stayed with me have really stood the test of time. If you are like me and have been suffering from chronic pain, please understand that you are not alone and that there is still a lot of life to live.  Find your own path to happiness and accept the change in yourself. We can survive this together.