When we talk about bodily autonomy, I think our first thought is physical intimacy, consent, and similar topics. We want our children to be safe from assault. That is so important.
What can be missed, though, is how often our kid’s bodily autonomy can be breached in other ways that are seemingly innocent: hugging, tickling, kissing, hand holding, and general affection; things we consider sweet and loving.
(This is a discussion that may be triggering to those who have experienced trauma or assault as a child)
In adult behavior, it would be reasonable if an adult said no and it wasn’t respected, or couldn’t say no, that an aversion to physical touch would develop. When it comes to children, though, how easy is it to ignore the nonverbal and verbal signals that it’s something they don’t want to do?
Do they have the right to say “no” to even innocent physical affection such as hugs? Do they feel that affection is required of them by loved ones? Can they say “stop” to actions such as tickling trusting that it will stop?
Maybe these seem like no big deal, but an entire childhood of these things can lead to dangerous core beliefs about their bodies and their affection:
They aren’t in control of their own bodies. They owe their physical affection to make others happy. Their comfort and choice don’t matter. They must endure actions that make them uncomfortable to please others. Politeness is more important than their own comfort and consent.
These beliefs can quickly open the door to having issues with consent in physical intimacy. The numbing of bodily and emotional awareness makes it all too easy to hand over that control to others. They may feel incapable of physical affection even in safe, loving relationships.
I know that this is something that most modern parents are already thinking about, as this is a fairly recent area of awareness in our culture, but while we want to do better for our kids, I think that we don’t know HOW. I didn’t know the answer myself until recently!
- Practice bodily and emotional awareness in yourself. How does it feel in your emotions and body when someone disrespects your personal space? How does it feel when you are free to give affection as a gift? Honor those things. Your behavior sets the example!
- Honor when your kids say “no” or “stop”. Be aware of their nonverbal communication (turning away from kisses, not hugging back, panicky laughter when tickling, etc). Sometimes it’s hard for us as parents because we want our relationship to be affectionate. When we value emotional connection over physical affection, we can be secure in the relationship when our child needs space.
- Help your kids practice bodily and emotional awareness. “How does it feel when someone gets in your personal space without your consent?” “How did it feel when you wanted a hug and I gave you one?”
- Help your kids practice being aware of and honoring others’ bodily autonomy. “Do you see that your sister is crying when you grab her arm like that? Please let go and give her some space.” ” I don’t want you on my lap right now. Can you sit next to me instead?” “That made your friend so happy when they asked for a hug and you gave them one!”
- Educate others and advocate for your child. Great Aunt Edna wants a kiss on the cheek? Ask your child if that’s ok with them, or if they would like to offer Auntie Edna a high five instead. Ask your family members and friends to offer your child choices in how they can offer affection…or not! Encourage loved ones to show their affection in non-physical ways, to offer the child choices, and to value emotional connection above all.
There’s more to it and I encourage further reading if it’s something that resonates with you, but I want to encourage you that just being aware is the best thing you can do. If this is an area you’ve made mistakes in, that’s ok, you haven’t failed or ruined your children! It’s a learning process, as many of us are rewiring our own patterns in this area. Here is to raising healthy children, and healing ourselves in the process!
Further reading:
https://www.theparentingjunkie.com/my-body-my-decision/
