I Didn’t Need Anybody Until I Did

I’ve always been independent. I’ve traveled to and lived in several other countries on my own. I have no problem (and sometimes prefer) going to the movies or out for dinner on my own. I pride myself on the fact that I don’t need anyone else to be happy. I like my own company and one of my favorite things to do is sit alone with a good book and a cup of tea. I moved to Baltimore, MD from England in 2003. Partly for a job, but partly (mostly?) to be with a boy I’d had a brief fling with 18 months previously.

Let’s just take a moment to appreciate that we maintained a long distance relationship for 18 months in a world before smartphones or WiFi. We communicated through instant messaging when we had access to computers (dial-up internet!), and by landline phones using phone cards when we did not (phone cards!), which was most of the time since I was living in rural China for 12 of the 18 months.

The relationship and the job worked out and we stayed there for 11 years. I flew home for visits once or twice a year, but didn’t really struggle with being in a different country from my family. As technology improved and we could text message and video chat, the situation was just dandy. In 2014, we moved to Idaho: 2,200 miles from my husband’s parents and siblings, and 4,500 miles from mine. It still wasn’t an issue. Messaging, email, and video chat are truly wonderful things.

But then we had kids.

I suffered from Post Natal Depression with both of my children. Having no family nearby was, quite simply, awful. My sister flew out to stay when my son was two months old and saved me from an extremely dark place. She wasn’t able to come when I was struggling with my daughter three years later, however, and I had to claw my way slowly out of that one with just my husband’s confused support and some therapy. Even now I’m mostly past my depression, being without family is hard. Super hard. Both my husband and I work, but he’s the breadwinner, so whenever there’s a sick kid I’m typically the one who has to leave my job and stay home. He also disappears on fire quite frequently in the summer, so I have to figure out any evening or weekend work (that my job often involves) with kids in tow. We have no family to babysit, either for planned occasions (a date? What’s that?) or for emergencies. We do have wonderful neighbors and some friends who have offered to take the kids in a pinch, but it’s not the same as having family nearby. We cannot afford to pay a babysitter very often, and we haven’t yet been brave enough to try an unfamiliar sitter with both kids. I’m not writing this for sympathy, or for the people whom I know are going to immediately respond by offering to take the kids (thank you!). It’s more of a confession that I can no longer do everything alone. And that is extremely hard for me to admit.

I’m not the best person to be giving tips on raising kids without family close by since I don’t think I’m doing very well at it, but here’s what I have:

• Know your neighbors. Our neighbors watch out for us, particularly when my husband is gone, and I really appreciate that. Coming from Baltimore City where we did not have much interaction with anyone in our neighborhood, it was a very pleasant change. The meal delivery for several days after each of my children were born was also a lifesaver!
• Go on a lunch date. My husband and I do not get much alone time ever, so going on a lunch date while both kids are in daycare is a nice way to have an uninterrupted conversation without having to pay a babysitter.
• Make friends. I say this like it’s something I’ve done. It isn’t. We’ve been here for almost five years and I suck at it. Having close mom- and couple-friends would be a huge help. I need to work on this.
• Keep in touch. The seven-hour difference between here and England makes it difficult sometimes, but it does mean that I can call my sister at 2am in tears over whatever parenting crisis I’m experiencing and she’ll answer! Video chat also means my kids know their extended family even though they don’t get to see them in person very often. And that’s huge. The last thing I want is for my kids to treat their grandparents like strangers.

We love it here in eastern Idaho and have no plans to move closer to family, so I guess this struggle is just part of my life now. I’d love to hear from others in similar situations about how to cope.